Tag Archives: reflection

Blog #17

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My mind throws a tantrum.
And I let it.
It yells, grieves,
Lets the toxins stream down.

When my five-year-old self would have been scolded,
I’m in my adulthood egging it on.

Let it get ugly, let it pass over.
There’s nothing to gain,
Or a person’s attention we crave.
Not even qualified rebels,
Since it’s just our badass selves.

The mind thinks it’s sunset
When it comes back together.
Exhausted, ready to carry on.

Almost fresh from the Narnia wardrobe,
I was only gone for 5 minutes.
Except, no one but me keeps this secret.

Yet, we open the windows for fresh air,
Water the damaged,
Patch up the holes.

We embrace what we did.
Mind in hand,
We continue holding on to each other.

For a spiny chair, it makes a decent stepladder.

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Day 16 of 2021— I finally did something that I’ve been pushing off for several months now. It’s one of those things I didn’t need to do, but knew the payoff would be great. When I think about how much it affected me up until now, I realize I had adjusted my daily activities based on this one thing. Sure, I got by with temporary substitutes, but those only lasted for so long. Admittedly, those things were easier to replace than the thing I accomplished today.

This task required agility, balance, coordination, flexibility, and perhaps stamina. It made me conscious that if I made one wrong move, it would ruin the moment of trying to adult.

Lots of analogies come to mind. Why is it that the fruits on the highest branch taste the best or are worth the wait? And why are the best things for us the ones that make us reach?

But you know, it only took 5 minutes to do.

Ladies and gentlemen, I now bask in the fruits of my labor! It seems ages ago that I dragged my chair to climb it, to climb off it, to climb it again, and to climb off it for the last time, before sitting on it.

Did I mention the stairs and the need to walk through a bunch of stuff to get what I needed? And then I had to open everything and tidy up everything afterwards?

So really, the whole thing took 15 minutes of my time.

❤ Laters

Cue the trapeze.

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20190926_132635

Perspective pedals a tiny tricycle around a path of twists and tangles, while honking a cheery horn. With a wagon red smile and frizzy kissed hair, my eyes try looking beyond the paint. It’s well done but not waterproof.

I tried following its logic, but the only thing I ask is—where does my heart get to rest in all this. I’m sure it’s allied with time, but the importance of the latter can wait outside the door until further notice. Though, the ticking doesn’t stop or is anything but silent.

But what if all the confusion that Perspective brings could be cleared up with a bunch of balloons. We could even hold a candlelit ceremony at sunset, say thanks, and watch everything ascend gracefully. Of course, I would welcome the winds’ whispered favor.

Then again, I’m sure five seconds after a peaceful sendoff, the time that I had totally forgotten about and tried to ignore would come crashing in. If it had rung the doorbell, I wouldn’t have heard it, for the only thing that kept me sane is up there with the balloons.

Perspective can be right.

Perspective can be wrong.

Perhaps, Perspective deserves a lollipop for all that I put it through.

 

 

 

Somedays, a head’s a heavy burden.

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WorldO

I feel dusty.

Like the salt and pepper keys that have stayed quiet for sometime now.

In a black tomb like a fellow fiddle.

Other strings are where I last left them, secured on the sidelines.

 

Maybe I’m caked with doubt and insecurities.

I see the world around me changing, though I know

I’m still uncertain.

I see all the things I am and not.

But why should I care for this eternal wallow?

 

If there’s anything I can currently live for,

It’s every deep breath.

For that’s when I restart.

The battle to keep what I want continues.

I may be resting,

But I’m not done.

 

 

Timing is everything.

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SmallPondEdited

It’s safe to say that when trialed, everything read on life, theories, and philosophies go out the window. It’s like in between trials, I think of how wiser and better I’ve become since the last ones. But as soon as the need for survival hits—WHO CARES WHAT SO AND SO SAYS ABOUT KEEPING AFLOAT?! THEY’RE NOT HERE RIGHT NOW! JUST GET PAST THIS HURDLE!!

Out of everything that happened this week, the first place trophy goes to a dead car battery.

As its inconvenience squashed my big after work plans of coffee breaks and naps, it later revealed to be the greatest interference.

Well, the nap most certainly happened, just not according to my forecast. As I heeded the inaccurate advice of the person who jumped my car, I waited [*snoozed*] for half-an-hour before taking off. I triumphed through all errands, not daring to turn it off until I reached the mechanics. When I saw the experts walking towards me and my car with a jump box, different life lessons flooded my head.

***I shouldn’t push things off till later.***

***I could’ve broken down in the middle of a highway.***

***The car needs vacuuming because I decided to eat in my car.***

I tried predicting something as simple as an afternoon, but life came in to kindly say, “No, no, dear. I’ve got the better idea. You’ll have to wait and see!”

And you know what? Life was right.

Because the following day, I received some crushing news that ended a long ordeal. Days of sleep were even lost over it. But when I started up the new battery, all I could think of was how the previous day’s misfortune became a life saver to another day’s misfortune.

So, as my car runs like a new person being given a new heart, I hope that I too will take charge with rejuvenation.

 

The phrase “Use your time wisely” has never sunk in until recently.

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WoodsEdited

I’ve been going through a phase of guilt.

The things I’ve liked doing, I’ve stopped.

I’ve stopped music.

I’ve stopped dancing.

I’ve just stopped everything.

Anything I’ve started in the last five years, I haven’t finished or continued with.

And I keep going through that cycle of starting and stopping. I start playing or moving, and I remember how good I was. And then the guilt of stopping kicks in. I think the source is knowing that I’d be better now, if I hadn’t stopped. Cause maybe secretly, having a life filled with the stuff I like sounds truly great. If not a job, just to be enveloped in it all the time.

I could tumble endlessly into the excuses of why I keep quitting. Yes, life happens. Yes, responsibilities increase. Yes, time moves on, waiting for nobody.

When I was in school, I remember running into adults who said phrases like, “I used to do…” or “I used to be great at…” And I remember thinking that that could never happen to me. And that I would do everything to avoid living that way.

But don’t get me wrong.

I haven’t stopped fighting for the things I want.

But you know what?

In order to fight, you have to know your cause.

And I think I’ve temporarily lost it.

The whole “I’m lost!” thing really sticks sometimes.

 

 

 

 

4am insomnia.

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Leaf

No two days are alike. The times I hoped for sameness, I don’t know why I had the slightest expectations for predictability. Because as much as we can control ourselves, anything beyond is beyond our control. We cannot change the weather or the pebbles that get blown at our feet. We intercept them, somehow become a part of their day. But in the end, we’re in charge of where we step, how we react, and what we filter.

For better or worse, we let things come into our lives, but we also block what we dislike. And depending on the day, depends on what we decline. These tendencies are probably why our days are always changing. We’re the captains or the kings of our lives. And somehow, the rest of the day meets us halfway. As the day clearly has its plans, and I have my own, it’s a hit or a miss when we come together.

What do we accept or reject for the day. If feeling great, maybe we disagree with anything negative about ourselves. And on a day feeling down, we’re inclined to push away any positive remarks. Maybe we intended to push them aside for an even rainier day, but somehow we forget to remember.

But if a day is the same as yesterday, does that mean all elements remain the same. Would a same day mean that the same amount of time passes, but no one even ages. For better or worse, that’d mean we didn’t change, that we’re powerless. And I think that’s worse than having the two same days.

For the cost of aging, I’d change for the world. Cause if there are two bad days in a row, I hope to not react the same as yesterday. And if there is a great day tomorrow, I hope I’d be ambitious enough to make it even greater.

hELLOOO, OUT THEERRE (there, there, theerre)!!!

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BugHwyFix1Life has honestly been a blast! But…

Getting lost is one thing, but being lost is another. And it’s the latter that has been with me my whole life. As it has gradually increased in weight, it’s become the mission closest to my heart.

So, here I am still checking out life but choosing to blog about it this time. Maybe I’ll find inspiration to share here and there, and hopefully sharing reflections will alleviate the journey. From wandering around this whole time, I’ve come to notice that if you’re lost in one aspect of life, it spreads to other parts.

But honestly.

What’s an adventure without getting lost? When I’ve taken a wrong turn or have curiously gotten lost, at least several trips come to mind that were made better because of the unexpected events. In fact, it’s the experiences from getting lost on the road where I learn the most but also find self.

* * *

BugDoodleFrontMy love for adventuring began when my parents gave me a GPS on my 18th birthday. But man, God only knew how much I would need that! Because as soon as I passed my driver’s test, having it in my back pocket gave me the confidence to surf the road. Call it a lucky feather or whatever, but I honestly don’t know how I would’ve gotten home from a multitude of driving adventures.

When GPSes were car swag to save up for, they also had the reputation of being flaky. If I didn’t get lost on my own, it was because of an inaccurate map. One trip, I was steered so wrong to where I found myself driving up to an abandoned warehouse— I was trying to find an ICE SKATING RINK! And the friend who was brave to have me drive us? We STILL laugh about it.

Another trip, my GPS had me looping around an interstate a few times, insisting that IKEA was among the noon rush hour. The friends who were with me then also still laugh about it. Though, it would’ve been cool if there was at least a couch sitting in the middle of the road.

Same GPS, but entering downtown work life— I somehow took a different route home everyday for THREE months. I didn’t know the area really well, the lanes and drivers weren’t so accommodating, and if there was a way out of congested traffic, I took it. Those days usually ended with cool landmarks I came to appreciate and stories to share the next day.

Nowadays, I’ve become best friends with Google Maps (though I still keep my GPS for luck). What hasn’t changed is my adventurous side. I’ve just become a little more mature and prepared these days. A recent day trip, I packed a bag so that I could drive randomly and see where I ended up. Five hours later, persevering to a beautiful beach inspired a glorious nap on the sand and a time for much needed reflection. By the time I got home that night, my then housemates could’ve assumed I was coming home from work. If I was used to enjoying paradise everyday, then sneaking off for an unplanned beach trip wouldn’t have been as spectacular.

* * *

From decently getting lost on the road, whether by accident or on purpose, I’ve learned it’s wise to pull over so to adjust your strategy. And I believe that’s where I’m at with life now. I’ve pulled off to the side to figure out my next moves.

So, as I attempt to use this space for motivational purposes and for soul searching, welcome to my little corner! ^_^

❤ Laters.