Blog #11

leavesO

My brain scrunches up in angst and slides down to the end of my nose. And all that I can do to calm it is by remembering that the year is still young. Very young, indeed.

Not sure when I became the too careful type.  I remember diving forward without hesitation. There was no fear to flop, just pure innocence. As I’ve reflected the past career aspirations, I’ve concluded to stop pining for what was hoped for.  Instead, it’s okay to become who I’d like to be now.

But alas, I’m stuck again.

I see all the big opportunities out there that would require big leaps. But at the moment, I don’t think I’m cut out for the giant ones just yet. I definitely approached a few last year, but something inside me wants to jump but within limits. There are all these connections that I want to hold onto. And, it seems beyond me to jump off without knowing why.

The thing about wanting change, even small ones, doesn’t it require to give up something? And this is where I become wishy washy. I want change, but I currently feel at home with my current lifestyle. It has some steadiness and consistency to it, while leaving room for spontaneity. The problem, even if change were to come, a part of me secretly hopes things aren’t too different. And I know I can’t have both, change and sameness.

On the days when the world looks too big to handle, maybe that’s when I should consider poking at the opportunities that are intimidating. Someone is bound to have kicks and giggles during those times, and I hope it’s me.

If anything, I should try to be more curious about life’s opportunities. Maybe I could pretend life is one big drive, waiting for me and my out-of-socket-brain to turn down a street just to see where it goes.

 

 

 

 

Timing is everything.

SmallPondEdited

It’s safe to say that when trialed, everything read on life, theories, and philosophies go out the window. It’s like in between trials, I think of how wiser and better I’ve become since the last ones. But as soon as the need for survival hits—WHO CARES WHAT SO AND SO SAYS ABOUT KEEPING AFLOAT?! THEY’RE NOT HERE RIGHT NOW! JUST GET PAST THIS HURDLE!!

Out of everything that happened this week, the first place trophy goes to a dead car battery.

As its inconvenience squashed my big after work plans of coffee breaks and naps, it later revealed to be the greatest interference.

Well, the nap most certainly happened, just not according to my forecast. As I heeded the inaccurate advice of the person who jumped my car, I waited [*snoozed*] for half-an-hour before taking off. I triumphed through all errands, not daring to turn it off until I reached the mechanics. When I saw the experts walking towards me and my car with a jump box, different life lessons flooded my head.

***I shouldn’t push things off till later.***

***I could’ve broken down in the middle of a highway.***

***The car needs vacuuming because I decided to eat in my car.***

I tried predicting something as simple as an afternoon, but life came in to kindly say, “No, no, dear. I’ve got the better idea. You’ll have to wait and see!”

And you know what? Life was right.

Because the following day, I received some crushing news that ended a long ordeal. Days of sleep were even lost over it. But when I started up the new battery, all I could think of was how the previous day’s misfortune became a life saver to another day’s misfortune.

So, as my car runs like a new person being given a new heart, I hope that I too will take charge with rejuvenation.

 

4am insomnia.

Leaf

No two days are alike. The times I hoped for sameness, I don’t know why I had the slightest expectations for predictability. Because as much as we can control ourselves, anything beyond is beyond our control. We cannot change the weather or the pebbles that get blown at our feet. We intercept them, somehow become a part of their day. But in the end, we’re in charge of where we step, how we react, and what we filter.

For better or worse, we let things come into our lives, but we also block what we dislike. And depending on the day, depends on what we decline. These tendencies are probably why our days are always changing. We’re the captains or the kings of our lives. And somehow, the rest of the day meets us halfway. As the day clearly has its plans, and I have my own, it’s a hit or a miss when we come together.

What do we accept or reject for the day. If feeling great, maybe we disagree with anything negative about ourselves. And on a day feeling down, we’re inclined to push away any positive remarks. Maybe we intended to push them aside for an even rainier day, but somehow we forget to remember.

But if a day is the same as yesterday, does that mean all elements remain the same. Would a same day mean that the same amount of time passes, but no one even ages. For better or worse, that’d mean we didn’t change, that we’re powerless. And I think that’s worse than having the two same days.

For the cost of aging, I’d change for the world. Cause if there are two bad days in a row, I hope to not react the same as yesterday. And if there is a great day tomorrow, I hope I’d be ambitious enough to make it even greater.