The phrase “Use your time wisely” has never sunk in until recently.

WoodsEdited

I’ve been going through a phase of guilt.

The things I’ve liked doing, I’ve stopped.

I’ve stopped music.

I’ve stopped dancing.

I’ve just stopped everything.

Anything I’ve started in the last five years, I haven’t finished or continued with.

And I keep going through that cycle of starting and stopping. I start playing or moving, and I remember how good I was. And then the guilt of stopping kicks in. I think the source is knowing that I’d be better now, if I hadn’t stopped. Cause maybe secretly, having a life filled with the stuff I like sounds truly great. If not a job, just to be enveloped in it all the time.

I could tumble endlessly into the excuses of why I keep quitting. Yes, life happens. Yes, responsibilities increase. Yes, time moves on, waiting for nobody.

When I was in school, I remember running into adults who said phrases like, “I used to do…” or “I used to be great at…” And I remember thinking that that could never happen to me. And that I would do everything to avoid living that way.

But don’t get me wrong.

I haven’t stopped fighting for the things I want.

But you know what?

In order to fight, you have to know your cause.

And I think I’ve temporarily lost it.

The whole “I’m lost!” thing really sticks sometimes.

 

 

 

 

4am insomnia.

Leaf

No two days are alike. The times I hoped for sameness, I don’t know why I had the slightest expectations for predictability. Because as much as we can control ourselves, anything beyond is beyond our control. We cannot change the weather or the pebbles that get blown at our feet. We intercept them, somehow become a part of their day. But in the end, we’re in charge of where we step, how we react, and what we filter.

For better or worse, we let things come into our lives, but we also block what we dislike. And depending on the day, depends on what we decline. These tendencies are probably why our days are always changing. We’re the captains or the kings of our lives. And somehow, the rest of the day meets us halfway. As the day clearly has its plans, and I have my own, it’s a hit or a miss when we come together.

What do we accept or reject for the day. If feeling great, maybe we disagree with anything negative about ourselves. And on a day feeling down, we’re inclined to push away any positive remarks. Maybe we intended to push them aside for an even rainier day, but somehow we forget to remember.

But if a day is the same as yesterday, does that mean all elements remain the same. Would a same day mean that the same amount of time passes, but no one even ages. For better or worse, that’d mean we didn’t change, that we’re powerless. And I think that’s worse than having the two same days.

For the cost of aging, I’d change for the world. Cause if there are two bad days in a row, I hope to not react the same as yesterday. And if there is a great day tomorrow, I hope I’d be ambitious enough to make it even greater.

What’s up? The ceiling, the sky, hopefully some birds.

SunsetCruise

Sometimes, all you need to do is step outside for fresh air, and find appreciation in the surrounding beauty. Look up at the sky, and something is always going on. At times, it may simply be azure or stormy, the whole canopy in agreeance. But other times, there’s different things going on in different parts of the sky. One time, across the vast heavens, it was split into two halves: one side was dark and gloomy, while the other end was part blinding but also had a sunset. But the divide line where the dark and light halves clashed, there was the tiniest, faintest rainbow. But I wouldn’t have noticed it until I put on sunglasses.

And sometimes, I look in my rear view mirror, and see how it contrasts with the weather ahead. I could be leaving sunny skies, and be heading into a storm—or vice versa!

The sky in our minds can be similar with what goes on outside. It’s all in good spirits for one day, or all over the place the next. And somewhere amongst the chaos and peace, something good comes from it all. I have been proven that time and time again. But the major difference with our skies and nature’s—we’re in control of ours.

But the cool thing is that our minds can be whatever we want them to be.

Prison.

Garden.

Dark cellar.

Sunroof.

Nightmare.

Reality.

Discouraged.

Hopeful.

Gluten-free.

Maybe except the last one, the comparisons for the mind are infinite.

But the most important thing—the mind is ours.

Do what you will with yours. ❤