Onward!

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“A ship is always safe at shore, but that is not what it’s built for.”

~Albert Einstein

If life was sitting in front of me right now, I think it’d say, “That wasn’t a big of a leap enough.”

Honestly, I think that’s the reason why I didn’t mind the most recent rejection. And you know what? It was the silent kind, yet I’m okay having found out the way I did.

Going into the attempt of making a change, I knew it would have allowed me to keep everything the same. Yes, I would have made a bit more money. But had the opportunity worked out, I wouldn’t have been challenged. It would have required continuing to put up with what I’m aware is making me tired.

WHY are we willing to put ourselves through trials that we know we should walk away from? It must be that going through trials are life’s necessities.

Einstein said it. We are made to do more. If we can somehow be willing to unlock our potentials, we can maybe discover our purpose for living. And if nothing’s uncovered, I guess it means we get to shut our eyes and point in a random direction, hoping for the best.

I may not be excited, but I am curious to see what’s next. Because that opportunity didn’t work out, that means I’m needing to step outside my comfort zone and try something else.

Maybe life is expecting more from me than what I’ve been putting in.

Here I go!

Cue the trapeze.

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Perspective pedals a tiny tricycle around a path of twists and tangles, while honking a cheery horn. With a wagon red smile and frizzy kissed hair, my eyes try looking beyond the paint. It’s well done but not waterproof.

I tried following its logic, but the only thing I ask is—where does my heart get to rest in all this. I’m sure it’s allied with time, but the importance of the latter can wait outside the door until further notice. Though, the ticking doesn’t stop or is anything but silent.

But what if all the confusion that Perspective brings could be cleared up with a bunch of balloons. We could even hold a candlelit ceremony at sunset, say thanks, and watch everything ascend gracefully. Of course, I would welcome the winds’ whispered favor.

Then again, I’m sure five seconds after a peaceful sendoff, the time that I had totally forgotten about and tried to ignore would come crashing in. If it had rung the doorbell, I wouldn’t have heard it, for the only thing that kept me sane is up there with the balloons.

Perspective can be right.

Perspective can be wrong.

Perhaps, Perspective deserves a lollipop for all that I put it through.

 

 

 

Blog #11

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My brain scrunches up in angst and slides down to the end of my nose. And all that I can do to calm it is by remembering that the year is still young. Very young, indeed.

Not sure when I became the too careful type.  I remember diving forward without hesitation. There was no fear to flop, just pure innocence. As I’ve reflected the past career aspirations, I’ve concluded to stop pining for what was hoped for.  Instead, it’s okay to become who I’d like to be now.

But alas, I’m stuck again.

I see all the big opportunities out there that would require big leaps. But at the moment, I don’t think I’m cut out for the giant ones just yet. I definitely approached a few last year, but something inside me wants to jump but within limits. There are all these connections that I want to hold onto. And, it seems beyond me to jump off without knowing why.

The thing about wanting change, even small ones, doesn’t it require to give up something? And this is where I become wishy washy. I want change, but I currently feel at home with my current lifestyle. It has some steadiness and consistency to it, while leaving room for spontaneity. The problem, even if change were to come, a part of me secretly hopes things aren’t too different. And I know I can’t have both, change and sameness.

On the days when the world looks too big to handle, maybe that’s when I should consider poking at the opportunities that are intimidating. Someone is bound to have kicks and giggles during those times, and I hope it’s me.

If anything, I should try to be more curious about life’s opportunities. Maybe I could pretend life is one big drive, waiting for me and my out-of-socket-brain to turn down a street just to see where it goes.

 

 

 

 

Sayonara, 2019!

 

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Admittedly…

Ever since the toad on my toilet incident, I can’t help but keep an eye out for more. I’m not scared of them, just wondering how likely it’d happen again.

But here’s to the end of another year. When I think about the highlights of the year, they actually sound like the cards picked up in a boardgame.

I won two tickets to see Les Misérables from a newspaper. I remember finding out last minute, how I begged my boss to let me go, how I scurried to grab the tickets before the office closed, and how a plan was constructed under two hours.

My car went to the shop, and they let me borrow the biggest truck on the lot for a week.

I reunited with some relatives, and later went on a cruise where I saw my sister getting married. Same year, I saw an old friend also getting hitched.

I went on a solo trip and humorously, yet awkwardly, ran into one of my music heroes on the streets. Coming home after that, I ran into a lull in life and found reasons to sneak off occasionally to catch a concert or show.

I started learning a new language. And I love it. It’s bringing out different sides of me.

I played the violin only once this year as a guest player. And no one guessed it had been three years since I had played a note.

I even clashed with the dating scene a little bit.

Lastly, I went through numerous kinds of rejections that have strengthened and made me ready to take on new ones.

Here’s to not just a new year, as every year starts new. But here’s to…

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Admittedly, I’m not sure!

 

 

Somedays, a head’s a heavy burden.

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I feel dusty.

Like the salt and pepper keys that have stayed quiet for sometime now.

In a black tomb like a fellow fiddle.

Other strings are where I last left them, secured on the sidelines.

 

Maybe I’m caked with doubt and insecurities.

I see the world around me changing, though I know

I’m still uncertain.

I see all the things I am and not.

But why should I care for this eternal wallow?

 

If there’s anything I can currently live for,

It’s every deep breath.

For that’s when I restart.

The battle to keep what I want continues.

I may be resting,

But I’m not done.

 

 

After living it out successfully, I end the day with a paper cut on my elbow from running into a wall calendar.

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It’s been one of those days where a soda, some chocolate covered peanuts, and a hot dog in a toasted poppy seed bun were for lunch, and a coffee and cake were a dinner’s appetizer. My metal water bottle was also threatened of being thrown away, as it was considered a potential weapon. Thankfully, no one lost their fingers. And fun fact: I somehow snuck off mid-morning for a mini adventure, and I didn’t come back until nine hours later. It was also a day where if I had tried taking pics, they wouldn’t have truly caught all the beauty that was witnessed. Some adventures really are meant to just enjoy, as if made only for the soul’s pleasure.

If I didn’t know any better, I’d have thought I was back in NYC. Maybe it was how the streets were numbered like avenues. Or how my nose was intrigued by fried chicken in the midst of people and city odor. I also came across a construction site where the sidewalk tunneled under a metal bridge and the sound of hammers argued above. The map on my phone even malfunctioned, and I ended up needing to ditch it and use headsmarts.

I even found the same bakery chain as I had adored in NYC. Except, the store found today was at least ten times bigger than the shoe box sized venue from last month. It had the same foods and decoration style, but somehow the vibe felt tiring.

And for the first time in several years, I got so twisted lost on the way home from my little day venture. If I hadn’t taken a few wrong turns, I would’ve been home an hour earlier. And you know what? I think I also got bamboozled by my GPS. And that too hasn’t happened in several years. The route I was following took me in different loops and u-turns that I later learned weren’t necessary.

And guess what? I get back home late, and no one questions where I’ve been. There was all this hype on the way home of what I’d share, and if all would be excited to hear of the mini day trip.

I might sound like I’m complaining, but today really was a good day. I somehow experienced NYC and the old I-got-super-lost-on-the-way-home me in the same day. It was an unexpected, frustrating combination, but it worked out. I forgot what it was like to get messy lost and to laugh victoriously when I figured out how to come out of it.

❤ Goodnight!

 

 

My trip to NYC, and yesterday morning’s bathroom guest.

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Today, I look back at how different two weeks can be. As last Friday had me in the middle of vacation, this past Friday morning was welcomed with a blood-curdling scream. Sleepy eyes and seconds after lifting the toilet lid, I realized that the porcelain throne was already taken. The gray fuzzy blob was a TOAD! The good news: it was the only one seen yesterday, as I consciously became the toad patrol of all toilets that came my way.

Perhaps it was a needed scream. Reality was truly back, and I did a great job this week resuming my work life and pretending not to have vacation withdrawal syndrome.

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So, I’ve recently come back from New York City, and I had the best time possible. For a city whose soundscape is composed of frequent sirens, loud chatter, and other general street noise, I still found moments of peace and gained better self-perception. I learned that if I really want something, I’m willing to make it happen.

As I look back on all the iconic spots, statues, and buildings, I smile at the little details like sitting on a train and being surrounded by five languages talking all at once—none of which were English. I also ran into one of my music heroes on the streets, only to be kicking myself later that I didn’t say anything. I will forever remember how we both stopped, smiled, and nodded at each other.

There was also a bagpipe player on the subway. And at Central Park, there was a man on a bicycle singing karaoke, “Prince Ali, yes it is he, Prince Ababwaaa!” He even had his own mic, amp, and music track. Why isn’t biking karaoke-ing an actualy thing?

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A week later, and my calves have recovered from all the feet travel between the walks. From the two hour coffee shop hunt to the two hour Central Park hike, I victoriously attended a Carnegie Hall concert in a cleanly state the same night. It was miraculous to have squeezed in a shower beforehand, for the NYC winds had covered me in dirt and all kinds of smells beforehand, some which I unfortunately inhaled.

But all the dust in the nose didn’t stop me from having a blast. My soul still hums the goosebump-filled serenades from the Hall, and it’s still infatuated by all the sightseeing from those few days.

By the time I returned home, I was a bit shocked. The hushed traffic and the absence of all other sounds questioned my ears. I also noticed my quick impatience with the slowest drivers and walkers in the world. To start the day in a different state and to end it in another challenged how quickly I could adapt to diverse environments.

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This was the first big trip that I single-handedly planned from beginning to end. And it tested me in different areas like travel planning, decision making, and instinct. The personal wins included finishing all work in advance, arriving to destinations on time, and resolving issues when technology wasn’t working half the time.

I thank up above for helping me make it through all nine yards. To go to NYC not knowing a soul was an adventure in itself.

Most importantly, the whole trip was frog-free.